Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

[Michael Martin 3]

FUNNY!!!

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

This is funny, so read to the end!

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup or brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila





Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink.



Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter

in a large fluffy bowl.



Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point

it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.



Turn off the mixerer thingy.



Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.



Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.



If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry

it loose with a drewscriver.



Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.



Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.

Who geeves a sheet .

Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.



Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.



Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.



Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the

Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !:lol:

 

[Martin]

A very good reason why I don't drink.

 

[Dave S 2]

At least why I haven't drank Tequila for the past 30+ years!!!

 

[Keola P]

I prefer patron

 

[A K]

Reminds me of:



---



Oil Changing Instructions

Men:



1. Go to Kragan auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Make that 65 dollars for nothing but the best synthetic money can buy (at least that's what the salesman said).

3. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Kragan to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

4. Open a beer and drink it.

5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

8. Place drain pan under engine.

9. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

10. Give up and use crescent wrench.

11. Head of drain plug was really metric and is rounded off anyway; use vise grips.

12. Unscrew drain plug.

13. Hot oil runs down arm, into sleeve of coveralls (only 2nd degree burns; more beer to kill pain)

14. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

15. Clean up.

16. Have another beer while oil is draining.

17. Look for oil filter wrench.

18. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and attempt to twist it off.

19. Screwdriver tears the filter casing leaving the bottom of filter (screw on portion) attached to engine (()*^&#&%)*(&_&(%)! Should have put a little clean oil on gasket the last time you changed the oil.

20. Beer.

21. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.



22. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. (Slosh half of the oil on the ground)

23. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 22.

24. Set aside half-full oil pan.

25. Child playing in yard falls into half-full oil pan (at least its cooled off by now).

26. Wife threatens divorce.



27. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

28. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

29. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first (see step 19).

30. Just how did you get the old oil filter remains off... Ahhhhh, beer?

31. Pipe wrench! (plumbers eat your hearts out)

32. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. (or was that the radiator?).

33. Remember drain plug from step 14.

34. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

35. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

36. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

37. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

38. Grit from underneath of car falls on eyes.

39. Wipe eyes with oil drenched hands.



40. Begin cussing fit. (23 minutes)

41. Throw wrench.

42. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

43. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

44. Beer.

45. Beer.

46. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

47. Don't worry about the oil spilled on the valve cover and manifold, it will burn off.

48. Beer.

49. Lower car from jack stands

50. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

51. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 32.

52. Watch out for the.......Well it was time for a new tool box.



53. Drive car... What is that smell...oh yeah, step 47.

54. Did I remember to tighten that drain plug after banging knuckles (step 36)?



Women:



1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $29.99 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

[Martin]

:lol: That sounds like something I'd do.......I like the 29.99 deal better

 

[Dave S 2]

Patron is A 'nuther story / episode Hawiaan!!!

 

[Keola P]

Tis' the season........drink responsibly