Steve McKellop
Well-Known Member
Many will be flying, there may even be a commercial pilot/attendant or two here.Thus I offer fuel for the flight I hope you don't get!:lol:
> United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people
> we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
> get in it!
>
> *************************************
>
> On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to
> take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
> anything,
> please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
> '
>
> *************************************
>
> 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
> are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
>
> *************************************
>
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
> had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
> airline had a policy which required the first officer to
> stand at the
> door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
> 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that,
> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
> smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
> for a little old lady walking with a cane.
>
> She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?'
>
> 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is
> it?'
>
> The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot
> down?'
>
> ***************************************
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
> Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
> 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
>
> *******************************************
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> 'Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell
> everything
> has shifted after a landing like that.'
>
> *************************************
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
> perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain
> seated
> as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
>
> *************************************
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo ,
> Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During
> the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight
> it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
> Amarillo ... Please remain in your seats with
> your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
> left of our airplane to the gate!'
>
> ***********************************
>
> 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
> the event of
> an emergency water landing, please paddle
> to shore and take them with our compliments.'
>
> ***********************************
>
> 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
> evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
> leave children or spouses........except for that gentleman
> over there.'
>
> ******************************************
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
> in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on
> the
> intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know
> what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
> it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
> it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
> asphalt.'
>
> ****************************************
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the
> attendant came
> on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
> aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
> once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
> through the wreckage to the terminal.'
>
> ****************************************
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
> 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
> today.
> And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
> through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
> we hope you'll think of US Airways..'
>
> ****************************************
>
> Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and
> gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
> on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
> 'em, you can smoke
> 'em.'
>
> ****************************************
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After
> it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
> an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and
> gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .
> The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
> have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and
> relax.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after
> a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
> said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
> you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
> attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
>
> A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.
> You should see the back of mine!'
:lol::lol::lol:
> United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people
> we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
> get in it!
>
> *************************************
>
> On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to
> take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
> anything,
> please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
> '
>
> *************************************
>
> 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
> are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
>
> *************************************
>
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
> had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
> airline had a policy which required the first officer to
> stand at the
> door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
> 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that,
> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
> smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
> for a little old lady walking with a cane.
>
> She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?'
>
> 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is
> it?'
>
> The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot
> down?'
>
> ***************************************
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
> Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
> 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
>
> *******************************************
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> 'Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell
> everything
> has shifted after a landing like that.'
>
> *************************************
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
> perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain
> seated
> as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
>
> *************************************
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo ,
> Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During
> the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight
> it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
> Amarillo ... Please remain in your seats with
> your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
> left of our airplane to the gate!'
>
> ***********************************
>
> 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
> the event of
> an emergency water landing, please paddle
> to shore and take them with our compliments.'
>
> ***********************************
>
> 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
> evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
> leave children or spouses........except for that gentleman
> over there.'
>
> ******************************************
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
> in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on
> the
> intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know
> what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
> it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
> it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
> asphalt.'
>
> ****************************************
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the
> attendant came
> on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
> aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
> once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
> through the wreckage to the terminal.'
>
> ****************************************
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
> 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
> today.
> And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
> through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
> we hope you'll think of US Airways..'
>
> ****************************************
>
> Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and
> gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
> on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
> 'em, you can smoke
> 'em.'
>
> ****************************************
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After
> it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
> an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and
> gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .
> The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
> have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and
> relax.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after
> a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
> said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
> you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
> attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
>
> A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.
> You should see the back of mine!'
:lol::lol::lol: