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Steve McKellop

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Many will be flying, there may even be a commercial pilot/attendant or two here.Thus I offer fuel for the flight I hope you don't get!:lol:





> United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people

> we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and

> get in it!

>

> *************************************

>

> On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to

> take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave

> anything,

> please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

> '

>

> *************************************

>

> 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there

> are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

>

> *************************************

>

>

> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he

> had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The

> airline had a policy which required the first officer to

> stand at the

> door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a

> 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that,

> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a

> smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except

> for a little old lady walking with a cane.

>

> She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a

> question?'

>

> 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is

> it?'

>

> The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot

> down?'

>

> ***************************************

>

> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald

> Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

> 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

>

> *******************************************

>

> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in

> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,

> 'Please take care when

> opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell

> everything

> has shifted after a landing like that.'

>

> *************************************

>

> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than

> perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain

> seated

> as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

>

> *************************************

>

> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo ,

> Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During

> the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight

> it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight

> Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to

> Amarillo ... Please remain in your seats with

> your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's

> left of our airplane to the gate!'

>

> ***********************************

>

> 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in

> the event of

> an emergency water landing, please paddle

> to shore and take them with our compliments.'

>

> ***********************************

>

> 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your

> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed

> evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not

> leave children or spouses........except for that gentleman

> over there.'

>

> ******************************************

>

> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing

> in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on

> the

> intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know

> what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you

> it wasn't the

> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,

> it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the

> asphalt.'

>

> ****************************************

>

> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the

> attendant came

> on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your

> seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the

> aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,

> once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are

> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way

> through the wreckage to the terminal.'

>

> ****************************************

>

> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

> 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us

> today.

> And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting

> through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,

> we hope you'll think of US Airways..'

>

> ****************************************

>

> Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and

> gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section

> on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light

> 'em, you can smoke

> 'em.'

>

> ****************************************

>

> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After

> it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made

> an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and

> gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .

> The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should

> have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and

> relax.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after

> a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and

> said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared

> you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight

> attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my

> lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

>

> A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.

> You should see the back of mine!'

:lol::lol::lol:
 
The best one - The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?' !



that one had me rollin! I wish I took a flight where there was some humor. All mine have been boring, or way to business like!

 
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